When parents of 2e kids aren’t on the same parenting page

Parenting a twice exceptional child is stressful and fulfilling for many reasons. Unfortunately, some of the stress comes from two parents approaching parenting in different ways. Parenting alone is tough. Parenting with someone who pushes against you as you parent is downright demoralizing, frustrating, and exhausting. Why does this pattern occur and how can parents learn to support one another?

Good Cop/Bad Cop “Syndrome”

My parent clients often feel like they fall into a “good cop/bad cop” pattern as they parent their 2e child. This comes in several forms including the strict parent who approaches parenting in a “take no prisoners” fashion as in, ‘do what I say or else!’ There is very little flexibility in this approach, and while structure and predictability are generally welcomed by 2e children, this lack of understanding and nuance is tough to abide by. On the other side of this authoritarian style is one of empathy and emotion. Parents in this pattern often overcompensate to offset their partner’s strict parenting style. Each parent finds the other unreasonable and feels like the other undoes any “progress” they make. 

Then there is the “structure versus fun” parent. This is particularly challenging at transition times like bedtime or morning routine. Some parents prefer parenting alone during these moments because they figured out how to get the job done (get through the bedtime routine or get the kids off to school) and when the second parent is present, the carefully planned and implemented structure falls apart. The disruptive parent finds this is the only time they have to bond with their child and while this is laudable and important, a 2e child’s success is often held by a thread that includes the importance of food, sleep, exercise, and carefully limited screentime. Gaming, longer bathtimes or extended reading time can significantly alter the success of bedtime and lessen the child’s much needed hours of sleep. 

So, what are parents to do?

Pair Care

Many people talk about selfcare. This is SUPER important, but so is “pair care.” When is the last time you were on a date together? I know it’s hard to find a sitter who can “handle” your kids, but there are ways of finding someone; a nursing or therapy graduate student, a special educator, or art therapist. Back in the day I used to visit universities and hang signs in relevant departments looking for a babysitter. Now you can post online at various university career departments that advertise odd jobs. 

When is the last time you noticed something your partner did that you appreciate? You likely have a checklist – all the things you need to get done. So, when one is done, you mentally check it off your list and run to the next thing. But stopping and noting when your partner does something or handles something well (A melt down? A teacher conference? A run in with the in-laws?) it’s a great time to notice their efforts. I frequently recommend for my parent clients to take one minute to tell each other what they noticed the other one did for them or the household that day. 

Parent Planning Meeting

This is a specifically set aside time for a maximum of thirty minutes. Start out by taking one minute to notice efforts of your partner and have your partner notice your efforts. Then decide on ONE responsibility for your 2e child for the upcoming week and discuss what you think expectations should be around that one responsibility. You’ll introduce the responsibility to your child so they can offer what they think expectations should be (it’s the best way to get buy in), but because you and your partner discussed this head of time, you know what you’re looking for and you can both encourage those behaviors. Having this specific time set aside allows you to get on the same page and avoid conflicting priorities.

Understanding Perspective

If one person works outside of the home, they likely feel like a “visitor” when they step into the realm the other parent has created. They aren’t completely sure of the rules or the customs and it’s important to take the time to explain not only what you do, but why. Are you careful to ensure that there are no screens at least one hour before bedtime? Why? Do you avoid sugar at night? Why? Are you strict about lights out at a specific time? Why? Just as 2e kids do better when they understand why, so do our partners who aren’t as well versed in our kids’ needs. 

If both parents work outside the home, then their balancing what their support network has created, they are likely feeling guilty for not being around as much, their overwhelmed by needs from various people, and they want some down time. It’s imperative for parents in this situation to have their weekly Parent Planning meeting to orient one another toward what needs parenting focus.

Sleep

Unfortunately, downtime often leads to later bedtimes and that’s not good for anyone. Sleep must be a priority. Nap when your kids nap. Schedule yourself to go to sleep early at least three times a week and if this means ordering take out or defrosting a frozen pizza for dinner so there is minimal cleanup – it’s worth it. Everyone is their better self when they have more sleep under their belts.

Listening and Validating

Life moves quickly. We are all trying to get as much done as we can. We are juggling, managing, and sometimes flailing. When a partner tries to talk to you, listen. Remember, just like your 2e child, your partner may struggle to express and communicate true feelings. Validating your partner’s struggles, even though you experience your own, will help your partner feel trust and build resilience. If you need to talk, and your partner doesn’t naturally listen, ask your partner to listen. Help your partner understand that you need to share, and you need to feel validated. Don’t expect your partner to know how to validate you – this is likely something you will have to teach.

Remember, kids grow up. It won’t be this way forever. There is so much emotion wrapped up in parenting – and let’s face it, if you’ve got a 2e kid, at least one parent is also twice exceptional. Take a deep breath, step back and recognize that together you’re stronger, support one another by listening, validating, asking questions about things you don’t understand, and if you can, get support from a therapist or a coach to help you navigate the bumpy road called parenting.