Twice Exceptional Ways to Anticipate and Adjust for the “Holiday Horribles”

Ho, Ho, Ho, No! It’s the holidays! There are many reasons the holiday season is difficult for gifted and distractible people. Change of seasons, transitions, sensory sensitivities, a strong sense of justness and fairness, falling into unhealthy family patterns, and ideas around what holidays should look like are all common culprits for turning a “joyful season” into a downright joyless season. The good news is there are specific and intentional ways to anticipate and adjust for the “Holiday Horribles.”

What Makes the Holiday Season Horrible for 2e People

Why is the holiday season so difficult for gifted and distractible children and adults (and their parents and teachers)? I love a good Norman Rockwell painting as much as the next person, but let’s face it, what he painted wasn’t exactly reality (which is why so many people enjoyed his work as symbols of positivity and good times during the Great Depression in the United States). Advertising around the Fall/Winter holidays paints a rosy picture of functional families sitting happily around the dinner table or singing together in their car on the way to holiday get togethers. Let’s face it, images of kids fighting in the backseat and adults insulting one another or getting into a dust up over politics or parenting, just doesn’t sell a product. Much of the depression around the holiday season has to do with inappropriate and unrealistic expectations of how we are told that gatherings should go. 

Add to these inaccurate assumptions a change in seasons – whether you go from warm to cold or cold to warm, to less light or more light – these types of transitions tend to jar the twice exceptional nervous system. Speaking of transitions, holidays come with days off and major disruptions to structured schedules. Even though we look forward to vacations they’re often tough to adjust to when you’re used organized and scheduled days. 

Some gifted and distractible people struggle with the distribution of wealth and who can or cannot benefit from a holiday season. Some consider those in less fortunate or less safe situations and feel the deep imbalance of those who have access to “things” when others don’t. These concerns are particularly heightened around the holiday season that tends to focus on gifts and vacations. That in and of itself is often in the back (or front) of a 2e person’s mind as they enter into the season – even if they are looking forward to time off, celebrations, or gifts. 

For gifted and distractible children and adults there are often unhealthy family patterns that emerge during the holidays. We are suddenly exposed to more family members, many of whom are only seen once or twice a year. Infrequent interactions lead to uncomfortable small talk (the bane of many 2e peoples’ existence), and a requirement to update on what was likely a complex year. When we see people seldomly, whatever we did last time we saw them tends to stick as our defining character.  All the social and emotional challenges that 2e people experience are heightened during this time of year because of expectations and potentially toxic environments.

Time to throw up your hands and shout at this blog post, “Okay then! What are we supposed to do?!” I got you. Stay with me.

How to Anticipate and Adjust for the “Holiday Horribles”

First, push away all those “supposed to’s” and “have to’s” and “shoulds.” Those things aren’t real. I once had an American parent-client whose 2e teen son needed a temporary out-of-home placement right around Thanksgiving. The mom wrung her hands and fretted with her partner over how they wouldn’t have a “family Thanksgiving” that year. That is, until her husband reminded her that last year she and their 2e son sat in a darkened dining room not speaking, while the rest of the family quietly tried to eat in the kitchen without causing further harm.

For 2e families, expectations are different. They aren’t lower or worse, they are adjusted to allow for a “peace in the home” dynamic. Enjoying a holiday season requires gifted and distractible people to be aware of their needs. When you or your child starts to feel icky, stressed, exhausted, or melancholy, do a check in. What’s going on? What could be the trigger? If it’s a change in seasons or a change in schedule, address those areas to help yourself regulate. Consider using a light therapy lamp, discussing your feelings with your therapist or someone else you trust. Structure your days to include regular food, sleep, exercise, and time spent in a passion project or doing something that makes you feel good. There are loads of philanthropic opportunities during the holiday season for people of all ages to serve people of all ages.

If you start to notice aches, pains, nausea, or other physical manifestations of stress in your body – pay attention. Your body knows! What could be causing the stress? Is it seeing a particular person, is it a specific event? What can you do about the trigger? Are you able to avoid, or limit exposure? Can you practice in a mirror how you will neutrally respond to a typically activating interaction? Can you give your 2e child (or self) a pass? Allow your child or yourself to eat alone if that’s more comfortable and once full of protein, integrate to participate in a structured activity for a limited amount of time. 

If you or your loved one is uncomfortable with gift-giving but others in your family live for it, can you talk to the anti-gifter about what would make them comfortable? Perhaps a donation to a cause in their name or going through their toys and clothes to identify items to give away, or time spent philanthropically will help them feel better about giving during the season.

Here’s the good news, you know when things tend to go awry during the holidays. Anticipate your triggers and allow your loved ones to pause and identify their challenges, and then ask yourself or loved one what would make things better. Merely dedicating some intentional time to this type of conversation – acknowledging what’s tough about the season – and giving space to identify what would make it better – will go a long way in anticipating and adjusting for the “Holiday Horribles.”